But, she clearly struggles with maintaining her iron levels and it’s really bumming me out.

At the end of August last year, I found out my iron stores/ferritin levels were 17. My doctor didn’t seem concerned but after finding out that my levels should be between 70-100, I was in shock and went on a strict plan to increase my iron via supplements and diet. Optimistic that this plan would at least encourage my lazy hair follicles to replace the strands I’d lost over the past year. And allow me to feel rested after 7hrs rather than the 9-10 that I woke up from more tired than when I went to sleep.

10 months on, I got some blood work done last week and my iron stores have only gone up to 38. 17 to 38!

And I am so over it! My attitude is definitely gratitude but the dizzy spells, ever present fatigue and the capacity to pick up each and every cold that the kids bring home is chipping away at my well of optimism.

Back to the drawing board again and upping my iron biglycinate, eating spinach at every meal and trying not to gag as I chop up liver for dinner. And hopefully convince my doctor (why I should have to convince is beyond me!!!) that I would make a good candidate for an iron IV infusion.

Have you ever had to deal with low iron/anemia?

I’ve been carrying the shame of someone whose wardrobe is overflowing but mostly remains unused.

And some of the pieces that stay hidden are my kitenge pieces. Summer is their time to shine so despite the lacklustre temps we had this week, I made an effort to wear some kind of print everyday.

Monday

Started off strong with this shirt dress that I bought from a former client who sews the most beautiful pieces from Adire which is tie and dye fabric from Nigeria. I buttoned it all the way up which upon reflection I didn’t end up liking.

But shared a post about taking pictures even when you don’t totally like your outfit and alas, here we are.

Sophie’s Obsessed

The most useful style habit I've stuck with

After writing my most recent weekly fashion recap - “Not Sponsored by COS or Zara” - I was riding high. I had found my fashion flow again and I was feeling good…

Read more

2 months ago · 63 likes · 17 comments · Sophie’s Obsessed

Tuesday

Another piece from a client who made me a kitenge two piece pj inspired set. The shirt actually has a collar but I tucked it in to balance out the proportions. Paired the shirt with barrel leg trousers from COS and flats from Alohas.

I worked from a co-working space this day and had lots of meetings which made me feel more put together than I normally am.

Wednesday

I felt like I was about to jump on my bike and dash off to teach an art class at the local college in this look. It was giving quirky art teacher and I loved it.

The jacket is a second hand find with a mud cloth inspired print. Mud cloth is a traditional fabric from Mali, that although looks simple is actually really intricately made.

Thursday

This cropped cotton kitenge top is a staple of my summer wardrobe but summer seems like a memory here so I had to wear a cotton jacket. This cotton bomber is from Zara Mens and the colour somehow just worked.

Friday

I woke up feeling absolutely awful on Friday with a sore head and a horrible cough. Comfort was key and I ended up working from bed. The trousers are part of the set from Tuesdays outfit.

Looking back on the week, I notice that I could have made some tweaks to the outfits or styled some pieces differently but I am glad that I stuck to the plan and documented everything. I feel very content with my wardrobe at the moment and feel pulled to try a no-buy, low buy or only buy very intentionally.

Thanks for being here,

Defiantly Deficient in Iron

Nyachomba

As someone who has worked remotely for the past 14 or so months, I relish the chance to connect IRL with others. Although, I do not know how people handle commutes, I had to spend about 1hr each day getting to the meeting and phew, that was tiring.

What I immensely looked forward to was getting dressed. I found myself planning out my clothes the night before and wanting to use my clothes as a way to express who I am to new people. I also wanted to create safety in my self and for others as I was facilitating two sessions.

Now I am not one to toot my own horn but I got so many compliments and questions about what I was wearing that made me feel really great about how intuitively I put outfits together (with the help of Indyx). Not only did they love how much colour I was wearing with some people saying that “seeing your use of colour made me smile so much”. I also got told that I looked too calm to be a mum of three, which in my mind translated to…..you look regulated and thoughtfully put together.

Obviously I was too awkward to take picture of all my outfits but managed to take 2.

Books and Looks

whose style I am absolutely in love with nudged me to try make my own looks and books. She recently completed an almost 75 days of getting dressed and shared all about it.

The Awkward Turtle

Reflections on (almost) 75 days of getting dressed

For the best experience, I’d encourage you to view this newsletter in the Substack App. It’s a long one, but worth it. I promise ☺️…

Read more

a month ago · 22 likes · 5 comments · The Awkward Turtle

Of course I spent a lot of time overthinking but ended up really enjoying the creativity trigger.

Loved the books I chose and they are books that I would happily read over and over again.

Monthly Round Up

There’s nothing I love more than reading monthly round ups and although we are already 7 days into June, here are some things I absolutely loved in May.

1. After almost 2 weeks of holidays in late April and early May, my skin was feeling the effects of too much wine and being out of routine. I started noticing texture and lots of closed comedones which my typical treatment of the ordinary’s glycolic acid toner was not able to solve. After lots of internet sleuthing, I landed on Medicube’s zero pore pad. After using the pads 3 times, my skin was so smooth and the small spots around my forehead and chin completely disappeared. The jar has 70 pads and costs about 70Euro and I only use one pad every 2-3 days.

   

2. I got new tattoos and I am so happy with how they turned out. I wanted to try out red tattoos and although I think I will go and get a retouch and add a deeper red.

3. Still painting my nails and watching too many nail tech videos on Youtube. I have decided that I will learn how to do my nails until I can go two weeks chip free. So far I have only been able to get to 3-4 days. Although I know when we travel to Kenya for our summer break, I will definitely be going to the salon every 2 weeks for a mani pedi since it’s so much cheaper.

4. After taking my son to see Harry Styles and joining the fandom, I danced and sang for 3 hrs straight proceeding to lose my voice from all the screaming. The collective experience was deeply freeing and I am determined to do more of this. I have booked to see Jill Scott, Kehlani and Odeal in October and December and will try and make it to a festival or two during the summer.

   Our local culture club is also hosting a new moon choir event in June where you can sing with a bunch of strangers in an open theatre in the woods…can’t wait. I am adding collective experiences into my well-being toolkit.

thanks for being here and indulging me,

with care

Nyachomba

I recently listened to the Katherine Ryan podcast with Sophie Ellis Bextor and they talked about life’s chapters and how some people are good at being teenagers and others feel more themselves in their 30/40s and vice versa. I didn’t enjoy being a teenager at all but I think I have excelled at being at in my late 30s/40, by my own measures of success.

So based on the A+ grade I’ve given myself (teehee) for currently existing at my full potential ,here’s a list of things I’ve stopped apologising for;

1. Being a few minutes late. I used to be the kind of person who’d apologise if I was 3 mins late and make it a big thing. I obviously do try my best to be on time but if I am not, it’s not the end of the world. My ancestors didn’t fuss too much about time and neither will I!

2. Solo time which can be anything from 10 mins in silence to a solo trip away. My husband is super keen on doing everything as a family, which most times I am down for but if I need some solo time I have my solo time. Often I suppressed my need for solitude, not any more!

3. Being direct in my communication. No I am not going to send out emails with lots of fillers and over explaining. My time is valuable so it’s either I tackle fewer emails with long and windy language or respond directly and efficiently to my burgeoning inbox.

4. Forever giving compliments. I love gassing people up, if I had a personal mission statement it would be “living to make others feel seen”. I gain so much joy from seeing someone light up because I shared something thoughtful to them or I remembered a detail that they didn’t think I would.

   

5. Reading what I think I need when I need it. This is especially the case for non-fiction, as part of my work I have to read a lot of non-fiction. I find that I have 4-6 non fiction books on the go and I pick up chapters that I feel are appropriate to the moment I am in.

   Subscribe now

6. Living loudly in colour. For the longest time, I worshipped at the capsule wardrobe altar. All beige, navy and black. I am sure my ancestors were aghast.

   The world is losing colour and I am not here to contribute to the decline.

I am taking my 8 year old for his first concert to see Harry Styles in Amsterdam and I am getting so excited to put together a colourful (running) coded outfit.

7. Refusing to wear rigid waistbands. How very middle aged of me. If any pair of bottoms feels like it’s cutting into my cute tummy, it’s a No from me. This is making me rethink denim shorts for the summer. During our spring family holiday to Portugal, I found myself more comfortable in dresses, pull on trousers and soft waistband shorts. I believe this summer will be soft waistband summer.

   

   

8. Buying more books. I will not expand further 😛

I’d love to know, what are you finding yourself unable to apologise for?

Unapologetically

Nyachomba

Recent Ruminations

I posted a picture and note during the week of me wearing an anklet over socks. Describing the action as highly impractical.

I’m not sure I’ve always been so pragmatic or whether it’s been conditioned into me but after posting that note, I thought about how I’ve always fought against wearing something or doing anything that feels like it could be “too much”. It’s probably my catholic upbringing that seeped far too deep into my psyche.

Often I’ve stopped myself from adding a piece of jewellery or a scarf because, it’ll “too loud” or “I might look too fashiony” or “too trendy”.

Even most recently when I’ve gotten more comfortable taking space and being seen, there’s still a niggling hesitation that I often blame “being practical” on.

Funny, that I recognise that being practical totally kills my experimentation and I totally resonate with what Asta shared in her post,

Fit Happens

Practicality is a great floor. It’s a terrible ceiling.

Side note (yup before the official article begins): I might be starting to sound like a tech bro after 15 years in tech, but I really do think the title works so roll with it please…

Read more

4 months ago · 199 likes · 60 comments · Asta

If you want expansion—if you have a restlessness about your closet you can’t quite name, if you keep saving things to your phone that you never buy, if you look at certain things and feel something move—then practicality has quietly shifted from being your floor to being your ceiling. And most people don’t notice when that shift happened.

Practicality started as a tool. Then became a limitation.

I found myself doing this on Saturday when getting ready to go watch my son’s football game. I had planned to wear a blazer and sweatpants to make a very casual look feel a little bit dressier but I ended up dropping the blazer and wearing a denim chore jacket and sweats instead. Toning it down because I didn’t want to look like I was trying too hard for an 8 year olds football game.

I felt very silly when I saw one of the mums in a beige blazer, leggings and trainers and she looked amazing!

And maybe that’s the next levelling up for me, building confidence by trying out things that feel highly impractical.

Anklets over socks.

Block heel mules as I bike for school pick up.

Tank tops over a shirt (this is a weird one but I often feel like I am wasting clothes by wearing a top over a shirt).

It was blazer week

I wore a blazer every day this week after reading Tina Boetto’s post on blazers, which is a must read.

Semi-Sustainable

8 Ways To Style The Blazer Hiding In Your Closet

I’m excited to have new subscribers join in the last few weeks and thought this would be a good time for a re/introduction. However long you’ve been reading, thank you…

Read more

2 months ago · 112 likes · 72 comments · Tina Boetto

I played around on Indyx and created and planned out 5 outfits on Sunday evening and wore them from Monday to Friday.

I so enjoyed wearing a blazer and was so amused when the kids and the husband kept asking “why are you all dressed up”, the power of a blazer amirite?

Did you know women in perimenopause are more susceptible to burnout?

I attended a webinar this week as part of International Coaching Week on perimenopause and burnout. Curious to understand the links between the two after noticing that this last quarter made me feel like I was close to burning out. Not sure whether I am in perimenopause or not, but I am definitely less capable of handling stress than I used to be. Which apparently happens with decreasing oestrogen. Not sure if it’s ironic or purely cruel, but how horrible is it that when women need to handle more stress, their bodies do the opposite and reduce the hormones that allow them to better handle the complexities of being a woman in the prime of her life (I struggle with the word midlife).

and so this is why women in perimenopause are more likely to burnout because;

• our oestrogen is dropping so is our capacity to handle stress,

• the myriad of perimenopause symptoms keep us permanently unable to pinpoint what we are feeling and make it more difficult to pinpoint whether it’s burnout or something else,

• in our late 30,40s and 50s we are often juggling a lot and sometimes may not have the opportunity to rest and recover,

• without this recovery, we often compound stress then end up burnt out

I feel like we should all throw a collective tantrum. However what we all need is more self-compassion and making sure we are taking care of ourselves as much as we can.

Creating safety

Every week, I’ll be sharing what I’ve been reading, watching, doing to create a safe and regulated nervous system.

1. We’re all trying here is my current comfort watch. Of course a beautiful slice of life k-drama written by one of the greatest writers Park-Hae Young who has a way of writing dialogue that will make you cry and laugh at the same time. Her catalogue includes My Mister and My Liberation Notes, tv shows that are not glitzy or sparkly but capture the complexity of humanity.

   As an empath, these shows destroy me and I am often left on the verge of tears or fast forwarding scenes that I anticipate will be emotionally heavy but they also give me deep comfort when I feel some type of way.

2. I am painting my nails again, an activity that forces me to slow down and mono-task. Concentrating on applying thin layers of gel polish carefully to make sure I don’t have peeling nails in 24hrs. Win win because I’ve stopped spending €50 every 3-4 weeks for acrylics.

3. Listening to this Feminine Energy mix on YouTube, you cannot help but smile from the first track.

What’s regulating your nervous system at the moment? I’d love to know.

Thank you for being here,

Increasingly confident,

Nyachomba

Through the years I have built a toolkit that is supportive of my wellbeing as I mother the best way I can. Keeping the proverbial bar as reasonable as possible.

So here goes,

1. I’ve stopped playing the optimising game. No I cannot go to the gym 5- 6 days a week, work a full time job, have 2-3 hobbies on the go, meet up with friends every weekend, have a fresh manicure and pedicure, have a side hustle, get my 10,000 steps daily, write my morning pages…insert unrealistic expectations here. I pick what is doable and focus on answering this question, “what do I need now?”,

   

2. Whenever I need a quick pick me up, I grab Sephora cream lip stain in no.1. It’s a bright “suits everyone” red lipstick that makes me feel more confident especially on those bleurgh days when I’ve not had enough sleep. Something about it makes your skin look fresher and your eyes look brighter. Shame we don’t have Sephora in the Netherlands but Sephora France delivers here.

   

3. I used to be the kind of person who rushed through getting ready and always forgot the last step of spritzing perfume. And then 2 years ago when I was deep in TikTok scrolling, I discovered all these perfume influencers and started to understand base notes etc. Now I notice how putting on and often layering some perfume as part of my morning ritual makes me feel like I’ve got my life together.

   Some of my favourite scents include Khayal which I got when I lived in the UAE, simple Zara Hypnotic Vanilla, Lush Sticky Dates, Tom Ford Velvet Orchid, Lattafa Angham.

4. Reading tarot for myself and others as well as getting tarot readings.I love it. It’s a practice that grounds me and intentionally forces me to tap into myself and my intuition. Whenever I am having an off day, I pull a card. When I am having an off season, I go for a tarot reading. When my friends are feeling stuck, I offer voice note readings. My kids also love pulling cards for themselves and we analyse the cards together ✨

   

5. I read this piece yesterday and it resonated so deeply, The Erasure of Solange’s Motherhood.

   Anytime Solange has shared herself since 2004, she has done so as a mother, even if it is not the most central part of her presentation. The freedom, the laughter, the authenticity that you see when you admire Solange are possible within mothers. And when we mislabel her as a rich auntie, with the connotation of childlessness, we rob her of her true identity and rob ourselves of the opportunity to appreciate the representation of a woman who did not crumble under motherhood, but rose and evolved. The true resistance to the outdated expectations of motherhood is recognizing Solange as a model of a liberated mother, one who grew in motherhood, not in spite of it.

   Part of my mothering especially in this season is about showing up in my whimsy, the creative, the dreamy parts of me that can easily be erased by life and more so a society that wants to make mother look or feel one dimensional . So more tattoos, more pink hair, more wearing what makes me happy, more colour, more adding tarot into my very professional work.

   

6. I quit Instagram and TikTok more than a year ago, maybe two actually. My headspace is clear, the comparison metrics are destroyed and I am not living life through my camera to transfer it onto the feed. Instagram messed with my contentment which often made me feel bad about myself which translated into how I felt as a mother. No more of that!

7. This mama has some strong boundaries. I clock off work at 5pm and hardly ever work late. My work is heavy and emotionally draining and I try to contain it within my working day. Closing off with an evening shower ritual to wash off the day and transition into mine and my families time. I rarely accept late meetings and I make these boundaries clear to my team. As a former people pleaser especially in the work environment, immensely proud of myself.

   

8. Getting dressed everyday with minimal make up is always a win for me. I have a remote work from home job and mainly see people during school pick up. And often it feels like I am getting dressed to pick up my kids, which in my opinion is good enough reason. Being intentional with what I wear and how I want to feel that day is so supportive to how I show up in my mothering.

   

It’s Mother’s Day today which can be a complicated holiday for a lot of us. A day that may be filled with grief for some, a holiday that seems misplaced and tokenish* or a day that has been taken over by the greed of capitalism that it looses the essence of what it truly means.

Whatever the day looks like for you, may it meet you where you are and give you what you need.

Happy Mother’s Day.

I’d love to know what are some things in your life or mothering toolkit that feel supportive to your wellbeing?

Leave a comment

Subscribe now

One of the revelations I made during my mutiple day solo hike in silence. I challenged myself to not listen to any music or podcasts.

Last year for my 40th birthday, I treated myself to a hiking holiday in the Scottish highlands. With the luxury of luggage transfers, local bed & breakfasts whilst retaining the challenge of walking more than 5hrs each day. I wanted to do it alone. Many thought this was strange.

At 40, I paid an excellent travel company to save me from decision fatigue and book me a spring time hike to take in the stunning scenery of Scotland. I finished it last week.

I’ve never done a solo hike before (see revelation on bravery) and the last time I did something like this, was climbing Mt Kenya with a friend but that was in the comfort of home and the safety of a close friend.

I promised to share how I experienced the Scottish highlands alone so here goes;

Day One

I had a 7am flight from Schiphol Amsterdam to Glasgow, which meant a 5am wake up, kiss the kids then grab an Uber to the airport. I landed at 8am local time into a sleepy Glasgow. With three hours to play around with before my train to the highlands, I discovered a bag storage app called Bounce that lets you find spaces close by where you can leave your bags temporarily at a small fee.

Grabbed a coffee then went to the Glasgow Gallery of Modern Art, and how incredible is it that it costs nothing to visit museums in the UK?

After a wander round the gallery that threw me into more questions about the history of Glasgow than modern art, I popped into Marks & Spencer food for snacks then waited at Queen street station for my train to Fort William.

I have been on many train journeys but this trip from Glasgow to fort William is definitely an addition to my list of most scenic train journeys with some favourites being the train journey from Edinburgh to Newcastle and Cape Town to Simonstown.

I arrived in Fort William after 4pm, went into an outdoor shop to buy a whistle and first aid kit then with all my gear walked up to the Highland Bookshop which was everything I imagined and more.

I spent the evening at the Ben Nevis Bar for dinner (fish and chips ofcourse) then popped into the Black Isle Beer Garden for an IPA with a view anticipating the first day of walking along the great glens Way.

Early night, big old Scottish breakie, well laced hiking boots, snacks aplenty and off I went along the straightest wonder of the earth’s crust.

Day Two

I had three intentions for the hike in solitude;

• Turning off the outside world by not listening to any podcasts, music or audio books,

• Remaining as present as I could be and gently shifting my mind into the present when I found myself thinking about the next day or what the evening would look like,

• Going with the flow and tuning in to what I needed rather than following a plan.

For this overthinking, anxiety leaning millennial…this was an ask!!

I found the start of the walk, marvelled at Ben Nevis and walked along a coconut scented path with the tropical perfume of toasted coconut from Gorse growing across the meadows and paths along the way.

I walked along the Caledonian canal passing by aqueducts, meandering streams, gushing rivers, meadows with grazing sheep, cute tiny bridges, moss covered woodland which was very much giving Lord of the rings companioned by glorious view of Ben Nevis.

At a stop at Bavanie, I had a drink and chatted to an Indian lady working at the local cafe who shared that she had once worked in Kenya 🇰🇪 and coincidentally at a hotel that was a few doors down from where I lived when I was 19.

On this day I covered about 19kms with stops to journal, read, marvel at the views and spend time in my head (although this was constant)

“I am brave when I am moving countries, solo traveling, meeting new people and handling life’s transitions. My fear shows up when I have to share my writing at work/or on here, speak up infront of people I admire, affirm my leadership at work.”

What would being braver at the “little” things looks like?

Day Three

Who knew I could sleep for 10hrs straight, just a mum on a trip alone without her 3 year old waking her up at 2am.

This day’s walk was starting from Spean Bridge, a little town with one supermarket and 3 or so restaurants and the most awe inducing views of Ben Nevis.

I spent most of the day walking along the banks of Loch Lochy, with the clearest and stillest water I’ve seen.

Doing one of the more famous walks in Scotland, I did expect to meet and connect with other walkers along the trail. And during day two, I met the three wonderful people that would take up pace with me intermittently.

An American guy who we connected over the TV show Shetland and Bill Bryson books and who was looking forward to moving to St Kitts after the tumultuous years with Cheeto satan.

Two Danish ladies who introduced me to the bird spotting app that I am now obsessed with (how middle aged of me)? And couldn’t stop complimenting me on my pace, I am Kenyan after all.

And a woman from North Wales who was so brave for wild camping and carrying all her gear with her.

The trails/walks are never lonely, with people from all over the world taking the same paths. Always with a friendly hello and sincere acknowledgment when solitude was needed.

I ended this mega long day at the Eagle Barge Inn which is an old Dutch barge turned into a restaurant on Lochy lochy, sat with one of my fellow trail companions over a celebratory drink.

When I had no roof, I made audacity my roof, - something I read in the book I was gladly gifted by a friend to mark this trip. Wild by Cheryl Strayed. It resonated deeply and became a mantra to confront some of the fearful limiting beliefs that I found popping up as I trailed on.

Day Four

Sore and bruised toes, tight calves, swollen feet….at this point I was running on fumes and had to practice positive self-talk. Getting tired of the big carby breakfasts although noting their necessity. Missing my morning oat flat white. Missing the kiddos. Savouring the deepest sleep I’ve had in ages.

This was going to be a hard day, that in-between where your body starts fighting the change of routine. When the end is close, but your mind decides it has had enough. I spent most of my trail time, loudly giving myself compliments in an attempt to distract from my sore feet. With only the wind, woods and water for company, I could shout as loud as I wanted and allow the echoing compliments to feed back into myself.

“I took charge, paid for and planned this whole trip by myself”

“I have built a massive amount of self-trust”

“I do an excellent job of working an emotionally demanding full time job and being a mum to 3 amazing kids”

“The outfits I planned for this trip, ✨ so fun”

“ look how well you are doing with going with the flow and doing what you feel like rather than what you think you should do”

The last day in the Highlands

Waking up in a tiny town on the banks of Loch Ness was such a treat. Getting out of bed though was excruciating, my shins, calves and feet were either tight, sore or both. Which considering that I was going to be going up around 350m, filled me with uneasy anticipation. After watching and following some guided YouTube videos on how to stretch your calves, I gathered myself for my final trail.

The route this time was climbing up through the most beautiful moss carpeted woodland to the peak of a hill/munro with heather and rocky outcrops overlooking the magnificent Loch Ness and distant views of Ben Nevis.

As I stood filming this video, I couldn’t help but smile and cry filled with a mixture of joy, admiration, pride especially when I could visually map how far I’d walked across the trip from the foothills of Ben Nevis to beyond Loch Ness.

I continued on the trail for most of the morning then grabbed a bus back to Glasgow to wind down my trip in a beautiful hotel room.

To celebrate myself and soothe my body, I upgraded my hotel room and booked a suite with a bathtub, complimentary mini bar and 3 mins away from the trendy Indian restaurant Dishoom.

I journaled and took so many notes during this trip as a way to chronicle the trip but also answer questions that have been simmering away in my mind the last few months.

5 days of mostly solitude revealed to me that;

• I will be booking a solo hiking trip every year (would love some trail recs) especially if they are in Europe,

• I can be audacious and be my biggest cheerleader,

• I will be braver with handling the “small” things that are not visible but take up a lot of my headspace like being too tough on myself and being too accommodating to my limiting beliefs.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading.

I’d love to know, have you done any solo hiking before? Would you?

Leave a comment

Forever in gratitude

Nyachomba

Am I allowed to?

How can I be grieving so deeply for someone that “wasn’t family or close friend, that I’d never even sat and had a coffee with”

And yet how would I not grieve for the woman who cradled and nurtured my little family into her space as we settled into a a new country, surrounded by the panic of COVID. Her kindness and grace embraced not only my 4 year old at the time but my 36 year old self and since then my middle daughter joined that bubble of warmth.

and maybe that’s why I grieve so deeply because,

I saw her everyday for more than 200 days a year for four and a half years, as she handed my children over two me every afternoon.

Her almost magical aura made you feel safe as soon as you came into her orbit.

She paid deep attention to each child without ever shaming them for their quirks.

Last week, we received the news that my children’s teacher unexpectedly passed away on Easter Sunday.

Armed with warm memories we said goodbye as her hearse at the request of her daughters drove past the school and around 150 children and tearful parents blowing bubbles to say goodbye. We all collectively grieved and continue to, someone I can only describe as an angel on earth (with no hyperbole).

I have been so unsettled and unable to write on here until I recognised that writing would be healing and supportive in allowing me to process this loss. And hopefully validating that loss and grief can come in many forms.

Have you ever experienced grief that was unexpected?

I have been coping by journaling, crying deeply, remembering the warm interactions I had with her and allowing myself to slow down when necessary.

Why straight jeans don’t work for me

I’ve always loved straight leg jeans but they never quite look right on me. They are always too tight on the thighs and big on the waist. Which I feel goes against the slouchy relaxed silhouette that straight jeans should offer.

Stumbled onto this video by Percia and it completely explained why straight leg jeans never land the way they should on me. She basically says that when the widest part of your body is not your hips but your thighs, the curve of your thighs will always be visible in the jeans and the jeans will lose their slouch. She recommends trying men’s jeans which I think I’ll consider.

I wear purple highlighter now

My make up routine is super simple, some concealer or skin tint, mascara, cream blush, eyebrow gel and some kind of lipgloss.

As one does, or doesn’t I had a moment of inspiration and decided that I wanted to add a purple iridescent highlighter to my routine.

And that is exactly what I did. I ordered the NYX buttermelt stix in love at first sight.

I absolutely love it and have been wearing it almost every day.

Some Recent Outfits

I think my wardrobe has found it’s sweet spot, I have everything I need to put together outfits without too much thinking which was always the goal for me. Here are some looks I have put together and remembered to take pictures of,

A safe place to land

A Safe Place to Land is where I share the books, shows, rituals, and small things that help my body soften and my nervous system settle. In case you need somewhere to land, too.

Waiting to Exhale

At risk of getting my millennial card revoked, I have to admit that I had never watched Waiting to Exhale until a few weeks ago. I have listened to the soundtrack since I was in my early teens but had never seen the movie.

I loved it! The actresses, the outfits, the music, the slow cutaways. Despite it covering heavy material, it slowed down time as I watched it.

If you needed a safe comfort watch or rewatch, Forest Whitaker did a fantastic job with waiting to exhale.

Touch grass or sand

During my Easter solo parenting time, I decided to take all three kiddos to the local beach. Not for a swim day because the sea is currently still freezing but a day out on the sand.

When we got there, the kids insisted on taking their socks off and sticking their teeny toes in the sand. Of course they proceeded to demand that I also take off my socks. I did and I must admit that there is was something so comforting about feeling the grainy sand between my toes. We even dipped our toes in the freezing North Sea.

If you are feeling dysregulated or unsettled, I highly recommend going outside and walking barefoot in grass, soil or sand.

I am still prepping for my 4 day solo hike next week and I have been loving exploring the national park near me. The best thing about hiking in Noord Holland is the fact that there is nothing to fear when you are out in the woods, no scary snakes, no predators or big scary animals only big beautiful highland cows.

A rambly post for today, thanks for reading

With care

Nyachomba

I’ve been reading Haruki Murakami “What I talk about when I talk about running” and I loved a line he wrote, “I’m the kind of person who likes to be by himself. To put a finer point on it, I’m the the type of person who doesn’t find it painful to be alone” . When I tell you, I felt seen!! Because I truly love to be with myself.

When I was in the throes of new motherhood, I struggled to find solitude and it wasn’t until my second was a year old that I started booking solo trips. It started with a one night staycation, then it slowly evolved into solo weekends away and now I am planning 5 nights away. As a 40th birthday present for myself, I booked a 4 day solo hiking holiday in Scotland. Am I nervous, yes! Because walking 17-20kms a day in the Scottish wilderness will be hard! But the long hours of silence, of solitude, of peaceful awe, will grant me the quiet I crave.

After reading this piece by Anna Boyd on Solitude and the woman writer it really resonated with me on women needing solitude to pursue their creative choices. For I cherish moments alone even more when I have the agency to choose my time alone. Noticing that we all need to be with people but savouring choosing solitude.

Recent Ruminations

I am an immigrant. An African in Europe. And after 5 years in the Netherlands, I am noticing how challenging life can be when it’s beyond the familiarity of your country of birth. I've gone through some big first’s in this country; registering my kids in school, starting a business and all the accompanying paperwork, buying a home, paying entrepreneur taxes, giving birth and I still feel like I will be forever a beginner. Never moving to novice or experienced! Just when you feel comfortable that you can work your way around a process in another language, a doctor’s appointment throws you off track and reminds you that you know nothing! and reminds you how easy it is to feel small again.

What’s Settling

I am still reflecting on why I find it hard to get behind the personal style rhetoric. The three words, the capsule, the basics, all the griege and beige inspiration.

Now don’t get me wrong, I was totally behind capsule wardrobes more in a reduce decision fatigue pov.

But now, I find that getting dressed is less about personal style but more about capturing who I want to show up as that day.

Because some days I want to be seen as an African immigrant mama on the school gates complete with my kitenge trousers and other days it’s the woman who actively moves her body as her solace in her workout leggings, neon orange trainers and grey sweatshirt. Some instances, I want to spend days wearing sweatpants and if I feel inspired to leave the house, pop a blazer on for that friction. No one will ever look at me and say that I have nailed my personal style but they will say, she knows what she likes and looks like she’s comfortable in her choices.

Sharing

After some Saturday substack scrolling, I saw someone recommend The Forty Year Old Version and the poster sold me. I watched it yesterday and absolutely loved it. It’s shot in black and white and written, directed and stars Radha Blank. Worth a watch!

Odeal makes music for sunshine and it’s getting sunnier!

I am finding my pace on here and so far seem to have the capacity to share some writing every two weeks, hoping that I can get to once a week.

If you hike often or have solo hiked, what would you have loved to know when you went on your longest hikes?

Thank you for being here.

With Care

Nyachomba

What’s life feeling like for you?

Apart from the hellscape that we are all having to navigate, I am doing the best I can. I just finished the book “There are rivers in the Sky” by Elif Shafak and apart from destroying me and my emotions, it really gave me time to reflect on where power is held and how truly cruel those who hold power can be. It had me spending hours researching the Yazidis and the barbarity of the perpetrators of their genocide. And I am not sure if Elif, the author was doing it purposely but giving space for us to recognise and never forget the brutality of colonialists especially the British government, who would like us to conveniently forget that they were the origin of organised genocide, displacement and eliminators of cultures (whilst pretending that they were the protecting and curating objects of culture). Am I ranting, maybe! Anyway, if your need a book that will have you reeling, researching and reflecting…go grab a copy.

Recent Ruminations

I am one of 4 siblings, the only girl with 3 brothers. These past few months, my older brother and I have had some really thoughtful conversations. Recently we were talking about how some of our trauma responses can actually be positive and supportive in life. Some examples, people pleasing can be awful when you are unable to set boundaries and assert yourself but people pleasing in the form of trying to make everyone comfortable and reduce unease can be helpful when dealing with awkward situations. I’ve gotten so much better at noticing when this shows up for me and I always laugh when I notice how my use of “people pleasing charm offensive” combined with “using humour as deflection” makes me such a great facilitator at work. Look at my trauma response showing up for my career.

What’s settling

Changing my mind on personal style

I watched Wuthering Heights. What I’m about to say next has nothing to do with the movie but a thought that sparked in my head as I marvelled at the costumes from the movie. There are many think pieces around the costumes and historical accuracy, and I do not really care for that. As soon as the movie was done, I went on my phone excitedly to try and find a leather corset belt to wear over a blazer, shirt or dress. A piece that I wouldn't necessarily wear but a playful, experimental piece to add to my closet. A piece that would be against my personal style. And that’s when it hit me that I have changed my mind on the whole idea of personal style. Personal style seems like feel like you are supposed to know and embody an authentic expression of your clothing tastes. Refining what you wear to suit your life and individuality.

But where does that leave experimentation, dressing like a character from a film, being inspired by your culture and wearing traditional dress? I feel like personal style can be restrictive for some people and it’s okay to just enjoy playing with clothes.

Healing my inner little girl

My hair is pink! Finally. And I absolutely love it. I came across a post (wish I saved it) that shared that when you see a woman wearing more pink, she is healing her girlhood. That is exactly how I feel. I love my pink hair. More so when I get little girls looking up at my hair in awe and older women shouting at me as they bike “mooie haarkleur/ pretty haircolour”.

The joy i’ve been getting from matching my outfits to my hair is unmatched. Green works so beautifully with pink. I fear I may never go back to black hair.

On supporting safety

In my last post I shared about finding safety and it’s finally hit me why since I was a teen I have loved Japanese and Korean TV shows. The visuals, costume choices, scenery, pacing, themes feel like they were designed to regulate our bodies. Even a Korean Revenge TV Show, I am talking about you “The Glory” has a way of delivering adrenaline spiking scenes that make you slightly simmer with mild disappointment rather than full blown rage.

My current TV obsession and a show that I want to truly recommend is You and Everything else which is about a toxic female friendship. I will hopefully finish up the last two episodes today.

Thanks for reading,

With care

Nyachomba

and, for someone who has 3 kids under 9, a full time job, has lived away from her family for 10 years and lives in a small dutch house…..and yes I am talking about me!Moments of silence to write are scarce.

Add to that, for most of 2025 I held an interim leadership role at work only 6 months into my role. I never knew I was a high achiever until I turned 39 hahaha! With all those plates spinning in the air, this space did not feel safe for my thoughts. What I needed in a time that was filled with reactive manic energy was movement. My safe space became my local gym where the average age of those who workout is 55 (less intimidation, more admiration). I started lifting heavy, 3-4 days a week. Taking moment between sets to review decisions. Letting go of my heaviness whilst hanging off a pull up bar. Allowing myself to loudly grunt (only when the gym was quiet) to release the daily anxiety that high stress brings. The gym served her purpose and she did good!

I am now in a milder form leadership with a lot of support. My days feel more spacious. The gym feels constricting. Running feels open. Writing feels doable.

So here I am, drafting this with my two older kids watching telly under a fort they’ve built, my three year old playing on his iPad and the husband off to the airport for a week long work trip.

Channeling what Toni Morrison shared in an interview,

I am not able to write regularly. I have never been able to do that—mostly because I have always had a nine-to-five job. I had to write either in between those hours, hurriedly, or spend a lot of weekend and predawn time. . . .

I’ve tried to overcome not having orderly spaces by substituting compulsion for discipline, so that when something is urgently there, urgently seen or understood, or the metaphor was powerful enough, then I would move everything aside and write for sustained periods of time.

Toni Morrison from a 1993 interview with Elissa Schappell in The Paris Review

What I am noticing and learning, writing for me is not an escape. I need to feel safe to write. When my mind is whirring, I need my body to pull up and create safety and the only writing that works is journaling/sometimes/sorry morning pages.

When my mind is calm and settled, then writing feels achievable. Sharing my experiences creates safety.

So here I am again!

As I get back into writing on here, I think some structure would be helpful. Because structure is safe for you and for me. here goes;

Recent Ruminations

things that have come up for me that may be relatable for you

• Not once did I as a self-assured Kenyan ever think there would be any cultural nuances I would adopt from the dutch. But, here’s how these beautifully blunt people have allowed me to assert myself. I do not over explain anymore. No more wordy emails/monologues/texts to give myself and others reasons not to doubt me. Add to that, I have stopped giving way or letting people through. I know this sounds awful but I have always been the one to give way or hold the door in an effort to be nice and not take up space. But I recognised that I did that to be amenable, to be inoffensive, to be seen as kind, almost a performance. I do not have to be liked, or be kind or perform politeness.

What’s settling

what I am learning and re-learning

• My day to day work involves advocating the need for positive wellbeing for those in the frontlines of human rights work. Something that I keep hearing being repeated in the sector is “rest is resistance”. This always translated to me that we are all deserving of rest and by resting we are working against a system that expects us to be always be grinding. A valuable sentiment. However yesterday I read a piece by Dr Jenn Jackson, which explores how the idea rings hollow especially for black people.

Although in my own understanding we are deserving of rest and making time for rest is essential, resting cannot be equated for resistance. Resting can only be resistance when everyone is allowed the opportunity to have rest. The resistance has to come from those who have the privilege of adequately resting advocating for system change. Let’s make sure everyone can nap.

There was a lot of relearning and rethinking for me around this topic but more so on the importance of language and being intentional with the language we use. I am going to be practice more curiosity when I come across ideas, statements and point of view rather than just accepting what is shared. am I getting into my research arc??

• As safety seems to be the theme for this week’s piece, I am learning that my younger self was so tuned into what kept her nervous system regulated. Julia Cameron in the artists way which I am rereading with two friends asks us to go back to our younger selves and connect with what we enjoyed doing. My good sis, younger me loved ; trawling Nairobi streets looking for those booksellers who had Kshs 100 books laid out on the streets, listening primarily to Neo-soul, going shopping in local markets (toi) on a limited budget to play out my fashion obsessions, stay up late finishing a book that I couldn’t put down, joyscroll on Tumblr and run across Nairobi’s hills. Can you guess what my 40 year old self is throwing into herself now; buying up books on vinted, playing on indyx and attempting a low buy year to encourage playing in my wardrobe, joyscrolling on Tumblr, going on 20min runs 5-6 times a week and going back to writing weekly in her substack whilst listening to curated healing dj sets by a young Kenyan called Wanjiru

Sharing

This healing playlist that I cannot stop listening to over and over. Erykah badu’s back catalogue hits different when you are an adult because what do you mean I should pack light because all my bags will get in my way.

With Care

Nyachomba

“When do you feel most connected to yourself?”

A probing that has left me feeling somewhat empty with an answer and as an almost 40 year old woman I thought coming to an answer would be rather simple.

But perhaps I totally miss all the moments I am connected to myself because my mind and my overthinking are always in the pursuit of where I “should” be and forgetting those moments when I feel my most myself.

The first answer that came up for me was visual, a vision of myself in an outfit that feels most like me. Something simple with a bit of an edge. But that answer felt incomplete because it focused on what I want to portray to others with the pieces I adorn myself with and not what I truly feel at home in myself in.

So then “when do I truly feel connected with myself”

Is it when I am journaling, processing the thoughts making space in my head and the expression of the person becoming,

Is it when I am about to go into my last set of bulgarian split squats loudly cursing out my personal trainer and giving my body the devotion it deserves?

Is it when I lying on the sofa with all my children seeking out a soft squishy warm part of my body, contently swallowing the overstimulation of 30 fingers finding space on my body,

Is it when I recognise that 10 months into my new/not so new job role that I am taking myself seriously and not second guessing each “um” and “ah” coming out of my mouth. Recognising that the “ums’ are an intelligent pause in my active listening.

Do I feel truly connected to myself when I can accept every part of my whole self, be truly intimate with the way I show up in myself and have a heightened self awareness that is able to call my bull shit out to myself.

at the tattoo studio, because yeah….i like tattoos now

Is it when I know what I like and don’t like and have a comprehensive ever expansive list of “things I know about myself”

I remain stumped because it feels like a connection to myself is ever expanding, evolving with every new experience of myself as a woman, wife, mother……..all the ways I show up and the cycles that I continually go through across the years of my life.

Or maybe I am overthinking again,

If you feel like sharing, I’d love to know when do you feel most connected to yourself?

well-being inspires well doing

Between the soirees and grand dinners,

Meditative workshops whilst listening to Senegalese music at a Slovenian Jazz Club,

Morning Yoga and movement in a park by the Slovenian Parliament,

Sitting for lunch with fellow Africans joyfully chatting about wellbeing on the continent,

……..indian ragas/classical music workshops, sound meditations, food workshops that linked to ecological belonging, guided walks across a local park with headphones playing city sounds highlighting the impact of city noise on our psyches…

It felt too indulgent to be work.

I wasn’t kidding about meditating whilst listening to Senegalese music

Yet, I was at work. Representing the organisation I work for, the powerful work that it does and showing up as a changemaker who provides and advocates for human rights defenders to get wellbeing support.

I carried the guilt of being at a space that presented the dichotomy of work as wellbeing vs wellbeing at work.

Work that incorporates fun, rest and playfulness without guilt vs wellbeing being an add-on that sits uncomfortably in how we show up professionally. As a millennial who joined the workforce before workplace wellbeing became a thing, it feels strange to participate in wellbeing practices at work. Because we were conditioned to think of only showing a part of ourselves at work, only showing up in our “work selves” and leaving the rest of our lives at home.

And I think for most of us, we battle with what wellbeing at work should feel like. A desire for it to feel wholesome but often feeling binary and other.

After a few days, we bumped into each other at the soirees, in the morning yoga sessions with beaming smiles…..leaning into the joy and rest of the work, recognising ourselves in the song of the second plenary session “like a bridge over troubled waters, I will lay me down…like a bridge over troubled water….I will lay me down”. A gentle reminde/reflection that if I wanted to continue doing the transformational/change making work that I do, showing up as my full self at work and seeing rest as part of my work had to part of being the bridge.

As the summit came to a close, I realised that the discomfort I felt wasn’t a sign that something was wrong — it was an invitation to reimagine how I relate to work. And perhaps this was the intention of the organisers of the heart summit, to allow us to let go of the guilt, and to hold space for joy, rest, and play within the work, not outside of it.

If you're also navigating the tension between wellbeing and work, here are three gentle, personal ways to be more intentional about integrating wellbeing into your professional life:

1. Let go of viewing rest as a reward, as someone who was brought up by a Kenyan woman in an African context. This is something I am having to relearn. Not waiting to earn rest but adding in moments of rest throughout my day or booking myself wellbeing days when I need them.

recent well-being day where I spent a few hours at a spa, then visited a Kehinde Wiley Exhibit in Amsterdam

2. Show Up as Your Full Self (Even Just 10% More). I wholeheartedly share how tired I am with my colleagues and not just responding that all is fine, it sometimes looks like me saying that I have to start my day later because I was taking care of a sick child. Or simply just bringing my honesty into conversations at work.

3. Unapologetic is my word of the year and as I reflected on how it’s manifested across the year so far…..it’s looked like setting boundaries and having no regrets doing so. Saying no to additional tasks when you capacity is full, refusing to attend unnecessary meetings and requesting shared agendas before committing your time. Unapologetically sticking to my boundaries.

Warmly,

Nyachomba

Back to how we learn to live.

Living is the act of being alive.

A bare minimum as far I am concerned.

But we want to be more than alive.

We have been told that we need to thrive, to flourish,

To be in our creatine-drinking, strength-training, personal-style-chasing, career-building, motherhood-winning, friendship-nurturing, love-sustaining, creativity-honouring lives.

And that list is far from exhaustive.

Ermmmmm that goes beyond “the state of being alive”.

Doing all the above also comes with so much commentary from all the media we consume. With every scroll, a new expert tells you:

• “You should be taking creatine.”

• “Here are 2 million ways to find your personal style (just buy these pieces).”

• “Be the leader your team needs—right now.”

• “Want resilient kids? Sensitive ones? Brave ones? Here’s the guide.”

Every message ever more urgent, shiny, and persuasive. Collectively creating cognitive clutter—a kind of digital fog that promises clarity but delivers confusion. Falsely promising a solid foundation to nail living.

I started this substack to create a little corner of the internet that connects through the desire to be intentional. A desire to be with those who want to make time for what matters most.

Even in a space that makes a millennial like me feel seen like Substack, with voices that feel more genuine and a pace that is slower, I found myself overwhelmed. I was consuming more than I was creating—absorbing other people’s clarity while letting mine fog over. The more I read (this space has so much beautiful writing), the more I questioned whether I had anything new or worthwhile to say.

Here are some ways I have figured out “how to live” and most importantly how to live intentionally within all the confusing commentary,

• The art of subtraction. Taking out what doesn’t serve and keeping what nourishes. I have stripped away at the things that take up too much headspace. An effort to protect my brain and use all those special neural pathways towards things that feed. I deleted Substack, Instagram, X formerly known as Twitter and picked up books and a notebook + highlighter. Reading slowly and thoughtfully whilst taking notes to clarify what I was reading. This post on notetaking by Greg Wheeler is fascinating.

• Investing in my creative interests. For the past 6 months, I have been learning to read tarot and spend 5 hrs a month in community with a bunch of intuitive women. Apart from spending time, this has been a financial investment in my wellbeing. Giving me space to connect to my intuition through learning a skill that taps into my highly sensitive personality….I won’t brag but my tarot teacher is so complimentary during my practice readings. Apart from tarot, I spent a weekend learning through a creative writing workshop that made me feel incredibly vulnerable as I had to share a piece of my writing with the entire group. After that workshop, I recognised my desire to lean into writing more and hence why I am vulnerably back here on substack. Here is your permission slip to pay for the courses that will feed you.

• I recognised my limitations of time. Like Oliver Burkeman says “no finite human being has ever won a fight against time. We just get the limited time we get, and the limited control over it that we get. And if you spend your life fighting the truth of this situation, all that happens is that you feel more rushed and overwhelmed and impatient – until one day time decisively wins the fight, as it was always destined to do. (In other words: you die.)”. There is a certain freedom that comes from this recognition that we only have a limited amount of time and instead of packing it all in with endless lists, it’s about choosing what matters most. A question I keep going back to,"Is what I'm doing right now aligned with what I say matters most to me?"

So no, no one handed me a “how to live” manual at school. But maybe I can write my own—line by line, choice by choice, Sunday by Sunday (probably more like every other Sunday)

It’s definitely not a single guide, but lessons gathered slowly:
in brave acts of creativity,
in asking myself hard questions with tenderness.

And maybe that’s enough.
Maybe that’s the whole point.

If you’re here reading this, thank you for making time to reflect and reconnect—especially in a world that’s always urging us to do more, scroll more, become more.

Here’s to subtracting what weighs us down, choosing what feeds us, and writing our own messy, meaningful manuals—one small intentional moment at a time.

With warmth,

Nyachomba

Words that have been grounding*

*i have printed these articles out to constantly read when I need grounding and don’t want to be online

1. The eight secrets to a (fairly) fulfilled life,

2. How to unburden yourself: a guide to escaping overstimulation

3. The Life you want wont schedule itself.

Immensely grateful to have gotten this far in life and hopeful that there are many more years to come.

In using my space on substack as a diary of sorts as well as a creative expression tool. I wanted to share some thoughts as I go into the last year of my 30s.

Inspired by this inspiring writing by The Life Rules I Live By, as I feel firmly settled and a deep sense of belonging in myself. Here are four life rules I live by;

• No matter how hard things may feel, a solution/positive coping mechanism is always close by, “Everything is figure-outable”,

• Always trust your gut….a lot of the time your intuition tells you what you need to hear,

• An outfit that you feel good in plus manicured nails will always put a pep in my step…..a red lip is the best bonus,

• Truly listening to others is a life skill that everyone should have.

Helena shared this one and it literally took my breath away, "The more you work on yourself, the more it's reflected in your kids.". Phew! How powerful is that!

Learning

1. How important it is for me to take care of my body. To be present to my body’s needs. I have always been one to take future me for granted and live with the mentality “I will sort it out later” but there’s nothing like reading about the impact of perimenopause and menopause on your muscle mass and bone density to propel you to working out consistently. I am learning to love the gym, to look forward to lifting heavy weights and getting inspired by other gym goers. The average age of people who go to my gym is 55 and I love it!

2. You know that rage and anger that comes out when things do not go well or you get overwhelmed. Well it may be trauma! After spending lots of time listening to Dr Bessel van der kolk of The Body Keeps the Score. I am noticing how often I go into anger and rage and compassionately trying to figure out what’s going on inside. Learning that trauma shows up in ways that we may not conflate.

3. I met up with a friend recently who is the same age as me and we had such a big laugh realising how much we enjoy not getting any male attention. As we get into the age where women become invisible, it’s not only freeing but liberating. Growing up in a country where catcalling was a norm that girls from as young as 12 would have to go through. I am so happy to be in this stage.

   

Intentions for the year ahead

• To realise that I am not too late or too early…that I am right on time, on my time!

• Allow myself to speak with authority on what I know best. To sit in the conferences, volunteer for the presentations, walk up to the podiums and give the speeches/speaking engagements,

• And acknowledge all the accolades that come from the above,

• Document my life so that I can witness the precious moments that my life is made up of,

• As Candice Brathwaite said, “One of my 2024 goals was that when the shirt came off, no one would doubt where I spend my time”……and I am carrying this into 2024. More gym sessions, more running and more intentional movement for the BAWDY!

• To put away all the self-development and personal development and consolidate all that I’ve learnt in the past 3-4 years. To allow myself to lean into what I have read, listened to and stop the brakes on picking up new ideas on how I need to change this or that. Because we cannot always be on the personal development treadmill…..it’s okay to get off and take the scenic route,

• To make everyone who interacts with me feel good. To radiate joy in others.

  

Tomorrow I turn 39. I am working, seeing a dear friend flying in from Barcelona, spending time with my family, planning my next tattoo and looking forward to a solo birthday weekend in Copenhagen. A birthday filled with what I value most, Simplicity.

With Care,

Nyachomba

“You are not that Important”, I said this to my son this weekend. I know, it sounds cruel but let me explain. He recently got a new skateboard and wanted to go to the playground to practice. We all decided to take him and as we walked up to the playground, he noticed other children there playing football. Immediately he got nervous and said that he didn’t want to practice there. Nervous that the other kids would look at him or worse still laugh. We then continued walking to another playground ending with the same result, more kids playing and too scared to practice his skateboard.

I then looked at him and said “You are not that Important”….of course peppered in with “no one is looking at you, everyone is busy playing, having fun”, “you may think they are staring or looking at you but they could be thinking, wow what a cool skateboard, or I wish I could borrow that skateboard or all manner of thoughts”.

As someone who was a really anxious child who always thought everyone was looking at her, I think it may have been helpful for me to understand that I wasn’t that important. As a way to see beyond myself and let go of the microscope I put myself under. I see myself a lot in my eldest and I find myself trying to figure out solutions to calm his overthinking and working out if I am doing it for him or for myself. Doing it for him or reparenting myself. Whatever it is, helping him see that people’s thoughts are so wide and varied and rarely are they judging or criticising others or at least not as much as we think they are.

Learning

This week I spent a lot of time commuting between Haarlem and Amsterdam for work…what is usually a 15 min train journey quadrupled because of some train works on the line. Instead of grumbling I relished the time alone on the connecting bus, steadily holding my kindle on my workbag and getting stuck into Intermezzo . A book that the entire internet cannot stop talking about.

I wanted to read to avoid the lure of scrolling my phone and the reliance on distraction. The next few sentences may sound self-righteous. As someone who hardly commutes it was absolutely gobsmacking the number of people in the bus and metro glued on their phone. It felt almost apocalyptic seeing everyone craned over their phones. Totally immersed into the world that opens up on our phones. Very few were chatting, staring into space or even reading. I only saw one person reading a physical book.

After reading these two thoroughly well written pieces of work on dopamine culture and distraction, my mind was blown and I spent a lot of time quietly soaking it in. Itchy Fingers and The State of the Culture 2024

I am slowly learning just how distracted we are, how having a distracted population in 2024 is only good for what capitalism currently looks like, how a distracted populace can be controlled and sadly how distraction cannot allow for connection and movements to organise for social change, or at least is limiting.

The reasons I find myself wanting to learn more about distraction are a number but include;

• wanting to slow down and create rather than consume,

• focus more on what feels engaging to me without twitching everytime I glance at my phone,

• model a healthy relationship with technology for my children especially my 7 going on 17 year old,

• stop self soothing with distracted purchasing decisions,

What’s got me curious?

Reading Intermezzo which in typical Sally Rooney is a story about relationships. I couldn’t help but get drawn into a running theme (no spoilers), the theme being that we sometimes are so preoccupied with thinking about what someone else is thinking about us and in doing so we get into a cycle of losing opportunities for connection. We jump into conclusions and solidify these conclusions rather than confronting uncomfortable conversations and seeking clarity.

Sally Rooney has a way of sharing her character’s thoughts so clearly and allowing us into their minds and I couldn’t stop shouting at the book…..”stop assuming what he’s thinking, just go ahead and talk to them” but of course if that happened, it would be a very short book.

Being intentional about.

• My last month as a 38 year old and taking time to slowly mark the last year of my 30s,

• The joy of something to look forward to, counting down the days to going back home to Kenya for Christmas with a quick detour to Dubai to see friends who have become family,

• Celebrating a decade of being married,

• Month 2 of being intentional with exercise and movement.

• This month I am starting my 5 piece year, where from this month I will only allow myself to buy 5 pieces of clothing and footwear for the next 12 months. In an effort to be creative, practice discipline, buy less but better and again be a creator rather than a prolific consumer. I am excited.

Happy New Month

With Care

Nyachomba

I recently did the DISC personality test to help me understand my communication style. Part curiosity but part a pre-requisite for work. After answering a lot of questions, I got the results that I am between an S&C. I should probably breakdown the acronym.

D- Dominant

I - Influence

S - Steadiness

C- Conscientiousness

Working through my results, this is what my SC style shows up as “People with a DiSC^® style of SC value stability and minimizing risk. They tend to be modest, patient, and soft-spoken. SC-style people are cautious and reflective, thinking things through before speaking. They tend to be thoughtful and dependable, and typically prefer working behind the scenes toward group efforts”

Most people in my line of work would fall under this communication style so hardly surprising.

So obviously SC personalities are conflict avoidant, seeking to avoid confrontation as much as possible.

Which I have soon learnt is actually a disservice to us. Because in trying to please everyone, we avoid advocating for ourselves. This became apparent in how I have handled a situation in my personal life that I allowed to fester for weeks and then ended up going through the biggest argument I have had in forever. A massive row that needed to happen but could have been avoided if only I was able to communicate my needs.

Have you ever done the DISC communication test? Did you uncover anything you didn’t know?

Learning

Cruel Optimism, something I discovered after reading Stolen Focus by Johann Hari, highly recommend btw!

Cruel optimism is a phrase invented by Lauren Berlant. Imagine big problem with complex causes like obesity… we have a challenging food supply chain…. We’ve built cities that are impossible to walk or bike around…. We have depression and attention problems… Cruel optimism is where someone says, ‘I’ve got a solution for you!’ and, in effect, distracts you from the reality of the problem and the complexity of the problem.

Some examples,

1. Telling people who are barely getting a living wage that the solution to wealth is budgeting, rather than creating more equitable economic conditions for all,

2. Offering meditation solutions to people struggling with mental health conditions rather than advocating for prioritising mental healthcare across the board,

3. Giving diet advice to Obese people living in low income households rather than changing food systems that encourage bad dietary choices,

4. Telling Kenyans to vote for the right leaders hoping for better governance when the entire political class is rotten and corrupt. Edwin Sifuna anyone?

This really got me heated, thinking about all the false solutions we are offered that do nothing to create meaningful change in harsher and harsher systems

What’s got me curious?

I am toying with the idea of a no-buy year or 5 items pledge from November 2024 to November 2025. So this week I decided to slowly try and document my outfits to create a sort of database to continue refining my personal style.

Some quick observations;

• I will always pick jeans as a base for my outfits,

• My style is always practical, I will always make reasonable choices that fit in my lifestyle,

• I love jumping on trends and I am very very influencable (hence the no-buy year).

a snapshot of this week’s outfits.

tried out the tiktok shirt and safety pin trick

Onward with Intention

What’s coming up for me this week;

1. I am on week 3 of going to the gym 3 days a week, who am I? :-)

2. My hair is falling out at the front of my head, could be postpartum hair loss, hormones or I am slowly dipping my toes into perimenopause. Really trying hard not to fuss too much about it but also cannot help but feel despair. For now I am babying my hair and trying to understand hair growth. This podcast was very technical but useful.

What’s one thing you’ve learned about yourself recently? Or perhaps, what systems around you could do with more thoughtful change?

Let’s continue moving forward, with intention, curiosity, and a little less compromise on what truly matters.

Until next time, stay curious and take care of yourself.

With care

Nyachomba

Here goes.

Becoming

under this title, I will share personal updates including career, motherhood, my growth and becoming.

I recognise that news on my new job have been sparse. Sharing my first substack also came with the delivery of news that I had wound down my coaching business and embarked on a new career journey. Moving in silence is something that I can be really good at. However I recognise that across the two years I have been sharing writing in your inboxes, I have connected deeply with all of you and feel like I can now share my journey back into formal employment.

June 25th. A date that will forever be etched in many Kenyan’s minds. The day that the quite simmering boiled over and activated Kenyan’s at home and beyond to determine which side we lay. The next few weeks were about defending, advocating for the rights of all Kenyans. For a lot of us away from home, it was a moment of reckoning. A moment to figure out how we could support the cause from so far away. We fundraised, signed petitions and deeply jumped into digital activism.

Now I have always been the Kenyan who keeps their head in the sand whilst carrying a lot of shame and guilt for not doing enough.

Then I saw a job opening working in the social justice and human right space that was a mix of project management, coaching and wellbeing work. those that know me understand that this job was written for me.

Reading through the job description, the organisation’s values and the work they do……this was a chance for me to confront any shortcomings as an active Kenyan citizen and actually participate in tangible efforts to support human rights defenders in the frontline.

So I manifested, prepped intensively, nailed two interviews and got the position. almost two months later and I am getting into the work, confronting a lot of injustice and feeling like I am learning more about social justice so I can do more at work and in private activism and advocacy.

So for now, I am growing in my work as I support activists to build their resilience to further their work because,

“Defenders tend to prioritise the necessity and importance of their work before thinking about their personal wellbeing. Their strong commitment to achieving human rights’ goals propel them forward in spite of the challenges in their work.”

Learning

under this, I will be expounding more on what I have learned during the week.

My 7 year old is terrified of being alone in most rooms, being left upstairs and sometimes cannot even be left to brush his teeth alone. Of course, this is part infuriating having to be his escort and part confronting. The confrontation coming from misplaced feelings of thinking that perhaps I am causing his anxiety or worse that he has gotten anxiety because of my genetics and history of childhood anxiety.

I have since learned that “everyone has a level of anxiety, to be human is to be anxious”, also that “there is no evidence to suggest that parents are the cause of anxiety disorders in children”

This podcast by Paul Sheppard who interviews Dr Eli Lebowitz was godsent as I spiralled one day after battling with my son for what felt like hours at bedtime.

I am learning that children have some fears that they just need to work through and it’s a matter of time and patience…….praying for bucketfuls of the stuff.

What’s got me curious!

no need to explain right?

What makes women clean, this well researched and put together piece got my head boiling and triggered so many questions?

As a woman who was brought up in a society where cleaning was outsourced to live in help then now living away from that whilst having to do majority of the cleaning in my home. I have questions!

1. Sometimes I clean because it makes me feel better and in control? Is this a personality thing or just a way I have been socialised?

2. I feel very judged when someone comes into my very messy home (i’ve got three kids"), finding myself apologising for the mess and grabbing toys and tidying as I welcome an unexpected guest? Is this nurture or nature?

3. As I have gotten older I find myself more sensitive to visual stimulation especially mess and I am unable to sit in a room that’s messy…again is this conditioning or nature.

I have more questions than answers but I would love to hear your thoughts? promise to read the article first though,

In pursuit of creativity

as I work towards slowing down, i’ll be sharing what I am doing to pursue a slower life and doing things just because.

Last week I talked about the millennial urge to slow down. The urge is drawing me in more so with my hobbies or previous lack of. After 2.5 months off Instagram and finally deleting tik tok off my phone, I now have a lot of time after work to spend on seeking things to do with my hands that balance out all the head work from my typical day.

So here’s what I have practiced this week;

1. I made whipped shea butter to soothe my kid’s eczema…..it was such a delightful 30 mins of melting, mixing and whipping simple ingredients. My son’s skin is already calming down so much after using the butter.

2. 365 days of Creativity, a book I started last week. I have vowed not to judge any of my drawing or painting attempts and just flow with it. I have found the perfect time to do this is just after putting the kids to bed and while my husband is loading the dishwasher,

   

   

   Onward with Intention

• Taking on more responsibility this week at work,

• Working on believing the positive feedback at work and reducing the self-doubt,

• I am back on Instagram this week as I try to figure out a new routine,

• Applying for permission to take my kids out of school so that we can travel back home to Kenya for Christmas…wish me luck.

As I wrap up this week’s newsletter, I hope the new structure helps you follow along with my journey more seamlessly. From reflecting on my evolving career and learning from life’s everyday moments to exploring what fuels my curiosity and creativity, I’m excited to keep sharing these insights with you.

Thank you for being part of this space and supporting me as I grow, learn, and create with intention.

Wishing you a mindful, intentional week ahead!

With gratitude,
Nyachomba

my first month as an employee in almost 8 years

September marked my first month as a full time employee.

My first salary in 8 years,

My first time being a newbie in an organisation in what feels like forever,

My first time carrying myself as an expert in my field rather than a young twenty something year old consultant ready to be under the wing of someone who knows more than I do,

My first time feeling the freedom that comes from paying for childcare! (Very very expensive freedom)

My first time working with a line manager who seeks to understand my values and makes sure that they are aligned with the tasks that I will be completing.

…….my first month in what feels like a dream job that I am immensely grateful for and proud of myself for getting/manifesting!

No wonder millennials feel this way

Everywhere I turn I cannot help but notice the desire for slowness from me and my fellow millennials. The deep want and need to decelerate our lives. To reduce the rush and enjoy a gentler pace.

Necessitated perhaps by our upbringing ( I may be speaking for myself) but where we had to rush through everything. Exams, getting ready for school, growing up, getting degrees, getting first and second jobs…..taking each step swiftly so we don’t get left behind. Pushed by our anxious mothers determined to set us up in the path that capitalism promised.

Now we’ve found ourselves ( again I may be speaking for myself) being the same anxious mums but with an awareness that the anxiety can be passed on and we have to break the cycle. That we are deserving of a regulated headspace that allows for slowness.

That we can slow down and nothing horrific will happen.

That in fact slowing down enriches our lives more than what capitalism promised.

In attempting to slow down;

I’ve started gua sha, less for depuffing and more for stopping me from rushing through my skincare routine,

I ask myself this often, “who is forcing you to rush?”

I refuse to add my work email app on my phone in an effort to decelerate my desire to feel needed and desire to respond,

the coach coaches herself

One Swahili saying goes like this “mganga hajigangi” meaning “the witchdoctor doesn’t treat herself”.

And I am working hard to go against the above saying.

I am working hard and with intention to coach myself in creating a workable routine that focuses on the most important things to me at the moment; my work, my family and myself. In witch doctoring myself I have been playing around with routines that work the best for me and my life and so far guys, I seem to be winning.

• I have blocked time for the gym/working out three days a week,

• I have set boundaries for my colleagues that include being completely unavailable after 5pm,

• Blocking off thinking time during my days to give myself space to be creative

My previous consulting life self is aghast and probably tsking at the above because you know if you’ve worked in consulting that boundaries are non-existent.

Fiction

In defence of reducing the desire for bettering ourselves, I am only reading fiction and light hearted fiction at that. I want to laugh, to goofily smile at a so not realistic scene in romance book.

Because it feels like we are always being pushed into some personal development corridor with a door every two steps opening up to a book, podcast, paper, article telling us how we are inadequate and need to do better or be better by learning this or the other. By addressing our shortcoming with this new method, tool or mindset.

I am fighting back by losing myself in the world of fiction writing and the cheesier the better.

I just finished Before I let you Go by Kennedy Ryan and I devoured every bit of the story.

a ramble of sorts, forgive me as I find my way back to writing regularly again.

With gratitude

Nyachomba

Too many podcasts declaring the new way to eat, work, live,

Too many personal development books advocating for the optimisation of EVERYTHING,

Too many fashion rules restricting the freedoms we have to wear what we want,

Too much information on parenting, gentle and otherwise,

Endless routines for skincare, productivity, exercise,

….i hate to say this but a myriad of coaches that you can pay for their “expertise” to teach you just about anything,

Don’t get me started on AI and the “potential to learn about anything and everything”

It feels like in this Information Age, we are all being primed to jump onto the next trending research, book, podcast, trend, fashion framework whilst losing the ability to make decisions based on our own needs.

How often do you struggle making a decision to purchase an item because you have to read all the recommendations,

You are unsure of what to wear because your current clothing choices are not aligned with “whatever fashion rules” are trending on tiktok,

You are shameful because you cannot be part of the 5am club due to your body clock not conforming to mornings and beat yourself up because you are at your best nocturnally.

I write this from a place of feeling like just about everyday I feel like I have to read the latest parenting advice, follow the latest fashion rules, eat according to the new rules e.g. eating for my cycle, try out this new mindset shift. And the more I feel this way, the less I learn to trust myself and my intuition. To learn that my body and mind do know what’s best. That whenever I am lost I should aim to lean into my values which will always be the North Star I need.

Or that deep down, my fashion choices will always be rather practical because that’s just me. You will never see me in heels because I spend half my time biking for the school run and that’s okay. Suede for autumn is not for me because I live in the Netherlands and it’s too wet.

Today’s newsletter is perhaps a call for us to;

Take what we need from the books, research, fashion frameworks, productivity routines, eating plans and leave what doesn’t work for us. Because deep down we know what’s best for us and we can only learn more about what’s best for us by trusting ourselves more.

Now, if you’ve read this far, the question remains how do we trust ourselves in this time of rapid information overload. I do not have the answer but I am happy to share what works for me;

• In 2024, I have reread the same personal development books that previously touched a nerve. I have refrained from reading any new personal development books which allows me to practice what I’ve learnt from books I’ve loved as well as giving me the chance to dive into a whole bunch of fiction. My list includes; The Earned Life by Marshall Goldsmith, Consumed: The Need for Collective Change: Colonialism, Climate Change, and Consumerism Book by Aja Barber, 4000 Weeks by Oliver Burkeman and Emotional Agility by Dr Susan David,

• I have reduced my consumption of social media including tiktok and Instagram. This has been the most impactful way to get away from the noise and practice doing me,

• Reducing my consumption of fashion items and sticking to what’s in my wardrobe…..a forever battle!

• I am being the parent I am and trusting that I have the tools available to raise kind children and if I struggle I will seek help.

Tell me I am not the only one who feels this way?

Curiously,

Nyachomba

A list that I hope you may find useful and allow you to navigate any transition with grace;

• I am operating on bare bones. My life currently looks like work, keeping my little 2 legged dependants alive and thriving and not much else. I have not planned any events, I am not taking on any hobbies, my Instagram break has gone from 4 weeks and is now into its 7th week. Transitions are hard and slimming down the expectations you have of yourself is key. As I go through the most, I am giving myself the least to worry about.

• It’s stationery season! My comfort blanket habit is writing. Nothing calms my overactive mind like journaling, making lists and brainstorming with paper and pen. Although my planning doesn’t go beyond trying to figure out what the next week will look like, taking time to sit down and think about it has been grounding.

I’ve even become that mum with a family monthly planner and I love it.

• Being intentional with reminding myself that I am in transition. “I am in transition” has almost become like a comforting affirmation. One that reminds me to go easy on myself. To be okay with learning something new and practicing humility as I learn. To pick my son up early from daycare just because I can and maybe a little because I miss him around the house. Too often we put certain expectations of ourselves to have everything in place and working during transitionary moments when it’s okay to practice grace.

• Noticing my triggers and acting on them. I know that I am avoiding dealing with uncertainty when I find myself cleaning every part of the house. My avoidant habit is grabbing a brush and some pink stuff and attacking anything ceramic in the house. Because cleaning allows you to focus on what is within your control but can be an opportunity to ask yourself, “what are you running away from”. Of course transitions are scary and anxiety inducing, so when I notice the urge to clean an already clean toilet…it’s my cue to ask myself “what’s scaring you right now, Nyash?”

My moments of joy right now are coming from playing with outfits and finding clothes (from within my wardrobe) that make me feel good.

With care

Nyachomba